Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
