You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
