my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
