is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
