you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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