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apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
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