I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
