i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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