I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
