Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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