Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We are two peas in an std pod
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
