Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
