i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
