I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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