How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
