So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
