Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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