I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
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I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize