Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
