my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
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