we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
