we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
