fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
