i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
why is half of my head shaved?
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