Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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