just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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