i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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