Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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