Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
