soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
