My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Randomize
