I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
