Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
