I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
