when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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