I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm really busy with my period
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