Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
