Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
