You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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