Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
