Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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