I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
