Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
did i walk over a car last night?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
