we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
