real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
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If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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