i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
