i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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