I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
