His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
