Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
