my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
