Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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