i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
