dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
